


Kono Kokoro wo Moyasou (This heart is burning)

by vogue91



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Affairs, Angst, Break Up, Established Relationship, Just Sex, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-13
Updated: 2018-05-13
Packaged: 2019-05-06 07:37:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14637170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: “You’ve got the chance to tell me, Kei.” Hikaru said, after a few moments of silence, without looking at him.The shiver turned into pure horror, and Inoo froze.





	Kono Kokoro wo Moyasou (This heart is burning)

Kei held the sheets tight, pulling on them so hard that he was afraid he would tear them.

He felt Yabu moving inside of him, and he had completely abandoned himself to him and to what he was feeling, because he knew that this moment of pure ecstasy, where his mind proved itself incapable of coherent thoughts, wasn’t going to last forever.

He tried his hardest to make it last; when he couldn’t take it anymore, he clawed the elder’s shoulders, sure it would’ve left a mark, and came between their bodies.

He saw Kota smirk, while the pace of his thrusts inside of him got quicker, until he climaxed as well.

There was a moment of stasis, then Kota moved next to him, pulling out softly, bringing his hands behinds his head and letting go to a satisfied sigh.

As every single time, Kei felt dirty.

That was the reason why he would've never wanted for it to stop; because until he felt Yabu on top of him, until he felt him move, until he made him feel so good to almost knock him out, he didn’t have room to think.

Once they were done it was like those thoughts were able to flood his mind again, as if the levee keeping them at bay broke.

And he felt sick. Disgusted by himself because he wasn’t able to stop, because he knew he shouldn’t have been in that bed, because what they were doing was wrong.

Because, even though he was aware of the fact that it was a mistake, he still felt the need of getting closer to Yabu, to feel his skin against his own, to start all over again until they would've consumed themselves, until they would've been too exhausted to move.

He turned, pressing himself against him and resting his chin on the elder’s chest, raising his head to look him in the eyes.

Yabu stared back at him, smiling.

“What is it, Kei?” he asked, distractedly messing with the locks of hair on the younger’s forehead.

Inoo shrugged, sighing.

“How long will we go on like this, Kota?” he asked, his voice all of a sudden sad.

The other sat up straight, stopped touching him and crossing his arms, a thoughtful look on his face.

“You say that every time, Kei.” he said, calm. “You always say that at the end. And then you come back anyway. So what’s the point in having the same argument over and over again?” he asked, looking at him with the same sadness in his eyes.

Inoo sighed.

It wasn’t fair, and he knew that.

It wasn’t fair for them to be sad. It wasn’t fair for them to be in that bed, together.

And, he knew that, it wasn’t fair to regret what happened between them when it was too late to fix it, when he couldn’t stop it, despite the guilt devouring him.

It had been going on for months.

It had happened almost by chance, during a week-end Kei had spent in Kanagawa, at Yabu’s family home.

Hikaru should’ve gone with them, but his drama shootings had kept him in Tokyo.

Kei didn’t think back to those days with particular pleasure.

He didn’t like to think about how he and Kota had jumped each other like animals, how they had seemed completely unable to get a grip of themselves, how their minds hadn’t even been brushed by the thought of Hikaru.

And then just like now, the younger’s face surfaced only in the end, when they both had to deal with their guilt.

Kei had never thought he would've been the kind of guy to do something like this to the person he loved, but he had had to change his opinion about himself.

He had always thought that cheating came at the end of a relationship, when it became the cheap imitation of what it had once been, when both interested parties had grown tired and thrown themselves into someone else’s arms to seek some relief from an apparently unbearable situation.

It hadn’t been like that, not for him.

He felt even more disgusting having to admit that, even with himself, but he was still in love with Hikaru.

There was nothing wrong between them, nothing justifying his presence at Kota’s home, nothing making him think their relationship was about to be over.

Because then, everything would've been so damn simple.

They would've broken up, aware that they couldn’t be happy anymore, and he would've been free to sleep with whomever he wanted.

He looked Yabu in the eyes, sighing once again.

“I know. It’s because I’m a coward, and we both know that.” he said, lowering his head and frowning. “Because if I was to say that the moment I get here, then I wouldn’t get what I came for, right?” he sneered. “As if I didn’t have enough reasons to feel like crap already.” he said.

Kota looked at him for a while, then he grabbed his shoulders and held him tight against his chest.

“Don’t play the martyr, Kei. And don’t think you’re the only one feeling like that.” he said, his voice steady. “I’m there with you, and you know that. You cheat on your boyfriend and I betray my friend, I see no difference there.” he added, and Inoo felt a sharp pain in his chest, as usual hating the way the elder always seemed to get to the heart of the problem, to tell the truth without trying to make it less harsh.

He sat up, holding his knees against his own chest and hiding his face between them.

He took a couple of deep breaths, determined not to get irritated.

Because he didn’t have the right nor the will to do so.

And because, after all, he knew Kota was right.

He turned to look at him.

Why couldn’t he be without him?

He had asked himself that hundreds of times, and had never found a satisfying answer.

He wasn’t in love with him. There was nothing deeper binding them than a friendship.

Even thinking back about the first time it had happened, he was clueless. He had jumped him, he had kissed him, their clothes had disappeared without him even noticing, and all of a sudden he had Kota on him, inside him, and he had enjoyed that.

Because he couldn’t deny that being with Yabu made him feel good. It was ephemeral, it seemed to feed on their moments and it disappeared as soon as they stopped, but it was there. And it was what lured him to the other’s house, it was what lured him to his bed, to ignore what he was doing to Hikaru.

He felt tired, and he knew that wasn’t justified either.

He laid down, turning his back on the elder, determined not to look at him anymore.

Because it had been by looking at him that he had found himself in that situation, and by keeping his eyes on him he knew he was never going to get out of it.

 

~

 

He got back home early that night.

He tried to always be back before Hikaru, so to avoid having to explain, certain that his alibis weren’t going to last forever.

As soon as he got in he ran to the bedroom, taking his clothes off and rushing to the bathroom.

He let the water run, waiting a few minutes for it to become hot enough before entering the shower.

He wanted to wash Yabu’s traces from his body, were they real or imaginary.

He didn’t want to smell him on himself, not while he was with Hikaru.

As if pretending to never having been with him made it true.

He went out and wrapped himself in his bathrobe, brushing his hair to dry them, and then he heard the front door opening.

He sighed, getting out of the bathroom.

Hikaru stood in the middle of the bedroom, apparently there looking for him.

“Hi, Kei.” he said, a smile appearing in the tiredness of his face. He got closer, bringing a hand behind his back and gently pulling him closer, pressing a quick kiss on his lips.

“Hi, Hikka.” the elder greeted him back, trying to give some honesty to his own smile.

The younger sat on the edge of the bed, absorbed in watching the other wearing the t-shirts and sweatpants he used to stay at home.

“What have you done today?” he asked, his gaze vacuous. Inoo shrugged, turning quickly toward the closed so that he wasn’t going to be forced to look him in the eyes.

“Nothing special. I’ve stayed home to study.” he replied, feigning indifference. When he turned back, Hikaru stared doubtfully at him.

“I’ve tried to call, late afternoon. Why didn’t you pick up?” he asked, and Kei tried to keep his breathing steady.

There was no accusation in his voice, just curiosity.

“I went out, less than a half hour. I went to the conbini.” he explained, seraphic.

Hikaru nodded, convinced, and didn’t investigate further.

They went to the kitchen, and Inoo couldn’t help but feeling some sort of latent anxiety.

As the days went by, he had grown to hate that feeling more and more.

He hated having to lie to Hikaru.

He hated not being able to relax in his presence, living in the constant fear of slipping, of saying one word too much and end their relationship.

And he hated all of that even more because it was all his fault.

But Yabu was right, he shouldn’t have played the martyr.

He had crossed the line a long time ago, and there was nothing he could do now.

Even that betrayal had become a part of his routine, and he wasn’t going to get rid of it so easily, just like one doesn’t get rid of an addiction.

He would've gone on in that hell he had built on his own, and that he couldn’t explain.

He looked at Hikaru, when he was sure his stare wasn’t reciprocated, and he wondered what had brought him so far from him.

Inoo was certain of very few things, but only about one he had never doubted: Yaotome loved him, he had always loved him, and had always showed it.

On the other hand there was Kota, with those glances Kei couldn’t resist, that body luring him into a trap, that behaviour that he had gotten used to too easily.

Yabu hurt him. It hurt him being with him, even though he knew it wasn’t the elder’s intention to do so.

So he had love in Hikaru, while with Kota it seemed like his heart turned to crumbs, bleeding, as if it bore wounds so deep that they couldn’t be healed.

Just like he deserved.

He wished he could’ve been more of a man and leave that house, tell Hikaru the truth and being left alone, because he knew there was no other right solution to this.

It wasn’t about choosing between the two of them, because Inoo knew that having them both in front of him, he would've chosen Hikaru a thousand times over.

Yabu wasn’t a choice.

Yabu was just sex. And that made the whole thing even more pitiful. It made him pathetic to his own eyes, while he imagined Hikaru’s if he had ever known the truth.

He thought about all of this while he looked at him in the kitchen, trying to fix something edible for dinner, his face relaxed, even if just being in that house and with Kei was enough to make him forget how tired he was.

He got closer, instinctively, hugging him from behind and resting his head against his shoulder.

The younger stopped moving, surprised.

“What is it, Kei?” he asked, caressing the hands holding him.

“I love you, Hikka.” he murmured.

He had expected the other to chuckle and say he loved him as well, as to mock him for that sudden outburst of affection, but all he heard was a sigh.

“I know.” Yaotome replied, a touch of sadness in his voice.

Kei let him go quickly, as if his skin was burning.

He wished he had never heard that tone, nor being the cause for it.

But it was unavoidable.

 

~

 

Even sex with Hikaru had become a nightmare, even though too real to be actually called that.

That night, once dinner was over, the younger had grabbed him from his waist and dragged him to the bedroom.

He had thrown him unceremoniously on the bed, getting on top of him, caring of not weighing too much on him, and had started letting his hands and mouth wander that body, while the only thing Kei could do was keep still, lying under him, while in his mind Hikaru’s face and hands mixed with Yabu’s, as if his skin had stored memories of Kota and was now feeding them to him, when he least wanted to remember.

When Yaotome had pushed inside of him then, he had clawed his back just like he used to do with Kota, he had wrapped his legs around his hips, just like he used to do with Kota, he had moaned the same way.

The sensations were the same, and he couldn’t help but blend the images of the two boys, because it was at moments like these that he felt bared from the love he felt for Hikaru, and all that remained was the animal instinct, that which brought him inevitably to make one man of the two of them.

He climaxed, letting go to a louder moan, and a few moments later he felt the younger come inside of him.

And for the second time in just one day, he felt dirty.

When Hikaru pulled out he moved to lay on his side, staring at the wall at the other side of the room, holding the pillow tight, trying not to cry, because it was something he couldn’t have explained to him.

He felt the mattress shift, and less than a second later his boyfriend’s arms were around his waist, his lips against his neck.

Hikaru held him tight, his breath uneven against his ear. He was relaxed, and basking in that feeling seemed to have the power to calm him down.

“What’s wrong, Kei?” the younger asked, serene.

He bit his lip, closing his eyes and still trying to hold back his tears.

“Nothing, Hikka.” he replied, trying to make his voice sound as normal as possible.

He felt the other’s arms leave him. He turned slowly, and saw him sitting on the bed, his back against the headrest and his face hidden behind his hands, brushing them frustrated.

He sat up as well, without tearing his eyes off of him, and feeling that familiar shiver down his back.

“You’ve got the chance to tell me, Kei.” Hikaru said, after a few moments of silence, without looking at him.

The shiver turned into pure horror, and Inoo froze.

His mind got filled with hundreds of thoughts, but he couldn’t focus on any of them.

He kept looking at Hikaru, having troubles breathing, and without knowing exactly what the other meant. Or not wanting to understand that.

But it wasn’t time to pretend anymore. Not when the younger looked like that, not when he knew that if he felt like this it was all his fault. And his guilt would've devoured him completely if he hadn’t surrendered right now, when he had been given a chance.

“You know?” he whispered, his voice barely audible.

Just then, Hikaru raised his eyes. He almost looked amused, and Kei found that particular creepy.

“Did you really think I was so stupid, Kei?” he asked, sarcastic. Seeing that the other didn’t seem to want to answer, he went on. “I’ve known that since you’ve come back from Kanagawa. You’re not at your best under pressure.” he explained, his tone much too calm for the subject. Inoo took a deep breath, trying in vain to calm down.

He didn’t like Hikaru’s tone.

He’d rather he would've yelled. That he would've told him he was disgusting, that he couldn’t even look at him.

It made no sense.

“Why didn’t you say something sooner?” he asked, feebly.

Hikaru shrugged, his expression now grave.

“I don’t know. Every time I saw you... different, when I couldn’t explain where you had been and I knew you were with him, I kept telling myself that it would've been the last time, that I could go on a little more, that it wasn’t over.” he shook his head, averting his eyes from him and standing up, leaning against the wall next to the window and looking outside. “But then it’s happened again. And again, and again, and again. And then...” he chuckled, sad. “And then I suppose I’ve gotten used to it.” he looked at him again, and Kei felt like that gaze was burning him. “I’ve always thought you cheat on someone because there’s no relationship left to save. But you... you didn’t change with me, right? What you feel hasn’t changed.” he said, and Kei could do nothing but nod.

Hikaru covered the distance between them with a few steps, kneeling on the bed and leaning over him, taking his face in his hand. “Then why, Kei?” he hissed, finally showing that anger that was normal to feel.

Inoo felt a tear running down his face, but he wasn’t bothered by it.

There was no reason to hide it, not anymore.

Hikaru’s grip on his jaw hurt, but not enough.

He wished he would've been in more pain. He wished the other would've hurt him like he had been hurt.

Even though they would've never been even.

“I don’t know why, Hikaru. I’ve kept loving you through all these months, and even now I love you, but... I don’t know.” he repeated. How could he explain something he was the first not to understand?

“Do you love him?” the younger asked, his voice low, the tone of whom didn’t really want an answer.

Kei’s eyes opened wide for the surprise, and he violently shook his head.

“No! No, I don’t love him, Hikka. I love you, no one else.” he said, before realizing how hypocrite those words must’ve sounded.

But it was a fact, whether they liked it or not.

He had hurt him, betrayed him, probably even humiliated him, but he loved him.

Hikaru raised an eyebrow, letting go of his face.

“Go away.” he said.

Kei wanted to protest, but it was yet another thing he had no right to do.

He had stripped every right off of himself, he had done that on his own, and he couldn’t complain now.

He got up, going to the closet slowly and getting dressed, feeling the burning stare on his back the whole time.

Getting out of the room, he turned to look at him one last time.

But Hikaru’s eyes were cold, and didn’t leave him room to manoeuvre.

He went to the front door, and he was about to get out when he heard steps behind him.

When he turned he saw the younger on the doorstep, his arms crossed and an ironical expression on his face.

“I love you, do you know that?” he said, challenging.

Kei nodded, and he finally got out.

He felt destroyed, annihilated.

Hikaru’s last words were the right punishment.

If the betrayal had instilled in him the guilt, if his boyfriend’s sadness the disgust for himself, there were no words to describe how that statement had made him feel.

He went out of the building, looking around.

He didn’t know where to go.

He caressed the idea of going at Yabu’s, but he rejected that right away.

He knew, inside, that the fling was over as well. Because he wouldn’t have been able to see him anymore, because he wasn’t going to be able to be with him without thinking about Hikaru.

He laughed, hysterical, thinking about how cruel his fate was.

His relationship with Yabu had taken Hikaru’s love away from him, the end of the relationship with Hikaru had taken away his chance to be with Yabu.

He should’ve thought about it before, find the will necessary to put an end to it, but it wouldn’t have changed much.

A betrayal was a betrayal, it didn’t matter how many times it happened.

He started walking aimlessly.

He got nothing. He felt empty. And he knew it was only fair.

He thought about the love he felt for Hikaru, that he had buried inside himself, degrading it, stripping his worth off of it.

He thought of the wounds he had inflicted upon himself every time he had been with Kota.

Now that love wasn’t there anymore, and those wounds weren’t going to be fresh anymore.

He was only left with scars.  


End file.
